


Avoiding Unwanted Dates by Accidentally Going on One You Wanted: A How to Guide by Eridan Ampora

by bookwormally



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-04-03 05:31:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4088791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookwormally/pseuds/bookwormally
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fef thinks Eridan has a crush on Sollux fucking Captor. If he doesn't do something she'll find a way to shanghai him into spending alone time with Sollux. Time to plan an entirely different night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Avoiding Unwanted Dates by Accidentally Going on One You Wanted: A How to Guide by Eridan Ampora

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written for my dear friends 3vad127 and maniacalchimera.

Fef thinks you have a crush on Sollux fucking Captor. “It’s like when we were little! Boys pulling hair because they like a girl. You two constantly pick at each other!” There are so many things wrong with her line of thinking that you don’t even know where to start. You _hate_ Sollux. He’s a dick and you have zero respect for the pathetic nerd. Fef won’t believe you though. She’ll just giggle and wink and try to get you and Sollux alone. So you go a different route.

“Fef, I’m not gay.” You say it casually, no need to get defensive and feed her fire. You don’t have a problem with other sexualities, but you’re just a heterosexual. This succeeds. Feferi frowns at you, studying, and you arch an eyebrow. She huffs and crosses her arms.

“Hide it if you must Eridan, but Nepeta and I can see the truth!” She flounces off down the hall and you roll your eyes. You should have known. Fef had been spending more and more time with Nep. It was only a matter of time before she was infected with Nepeta’s weird love for pairing people up.

You shake your head. Why Sollux Captor of all people was the true thorn in your side. If they wanted to get off on pairing up their friends they could at lease imagine you with someone reasonably attractive. Like Eq and all his muscles, totally hot if you took out the sweat. Hell you’d kiss Gamzee before Sollux. Though out of your entire friend group…

Loud, abrasive insults alert you to Karkat’s proximity. You shake off the stupid thoughts and grin as he marches up to you. “Havin’ a good day Kar?” He flips you off and you grin wider. You’d thought yourself unlucky at first to have Karkat Vantas as a locker neighbor, but really it was more amusing than anything else. There was nothing on this planet that didn’t frustrate him and watching him grumble was often a bright part of your day.

He also gave good advice, but there was no way you were going to tell him.

Now he slams his locker open with the usual grumbling. Still grinning you glance across the hall. Feferi has returned and is now whispering to Nepeta. Both of them look at you and then their gaze shifts. You frown and follow their eyes. Sollux is looking in his own locker as Aradia talks at him. Probably about death seeing as her face is all lit up.

You roll your eyes and turn back to Karkat. Maybe if you show how you have absolutely _zero interest_ they’ll give up.

“Kar lets go to the movies,” you blurt out suddenly. It’s sudden, but the more you think about it the better an idea it seems. It gives Feferi and Nepeta no opportunities to drag you to meet Sollux.

He looks up at you from throwing his shit in his locker and his face is almost blank besides the perpetual scowl. “Ampora are you asking me out? Because if so, this is a pathetic attempt. I am so fucking disappoint.”

You wrinkle your nose. “Don’t be an ass. If you must know, Nep has decided that I’m her next target and wants to get me and Sol alone together. _And_ she’s got Fef convinced that we’re crushing on each other like a couple of five year olds.”

Karkat goes back to packing his shit up, throwing most books into his locker and only grabbing one to put in his bag. “Well that’s pretty fucking pathetic… I guess I can save your ass from the dangers of Nepeta on a shipping rampage. I get to pick the movie though and you can only bitch five times before the movie starts.”

You snort, but he is saving your ass so, “Agreed. Tomorrow after dinner should be good. Think you can manage to feed yourself or should I pay for that too?”

He flips you off as he shuts his locker and swings his bag over his shoulder. “I’ll feed myself but you’re buying me candy at the theater. I’ll text you once I’ve picked the movie. You’re lucky I’m a generous fucker Ampora.”

You flip him off because that’s how you say goodbye and he returns the gesture as he stalks away. You push off the lockers and gather your own stuff. Feferi comes skipping back over. “Eridan! I have the best idea to hang out tomorrow!”

“Sorry Fef,” you interrupt. “I’m going to the movies with Kar.” She blinks in surprise and you grin. Definitely a great idea.

*

Karkat chooses the sappiest piece of garbage that’s currently playing and it comes complete with moments deserving only of canned laughter. You grumble about it no matter that he’s saving you from a forced date with Sollux Captor. Karkat returns each insult to his taste with one about your own. Then before you know it he reaches out to pinch your lips shut.

You flush, not used to anyone touching your face. Karkat is glaring at you from a couple inches down. “That’s five, asshole. That’s all the complaints you get until the credits roll.” He takes his fingers away and you stick your tongue out at him. Karkat ignores you and heads to find seats now that he’s silenced you and made you buy out half the candy section. You cross your arms and follow.

He has to find the perfect seat, in the center of both the row and the room and as a whole. He needs to be in line with the speakers as well so he can be “fully immersed, holy shit it’s not that hard to understand.” You just follow him; not having the energy to argue after asking once what was taking so long. You just hope all the couples coming to see this dredge don’t give the two of you a second glance.

Karkat finally settles on a seat and you take the one on his right. God now you had to tolerate actually watching the movie. You lean on one arm and remind yourself that you could be having dinner or some garbage with Sollux instead. At least Karkat was a good friend even if he had a temper. Sollux was a disgusting asshole.

The theater fills in around you, but it’s not packed. You thank God for small favors as the lights go down and the preshow gets started. You don’t dare to try to steal even one of Karkat’s Twizzlers. You like having both hands, thanks all the same. But you got yourself some popcorn so it’s all good. You much on that as the trailers play, all the same type of shit you’re here to see.

Eventually the movie itself starts playing. You roll your eyes at the introduction of the leads and resist the urge to laugh at the moments that are supposed to be touching. You’re not completely successful, a couple snorts slip out and Karkat elbows you. He’s completely involved, watching the movie like he’s going to be tested. You spend more time watching him in the dark and the way his expression shifts than the movie. He’s more interesting anyway. He’s real while the romance on screen is decidedly not.

You’re still watching him and have almost forgotten the movie at all when the big climax gets under way. You watch in stunned surprise as Karkat starts to cry. At first it’s one tear, but it doesn’t stop there. As the music swells and the couple shares a kiss that restores their relationship Karkat is straight up crying silently. You cannot believe he is so moved by this ridiculous shit. But as the lights come back up you turn to face the screen so he won’t know you were looking. No need to give him a reason to berate you.

You stand and stretch as the credits continue to roll and people make their exit. It gives Kar a minute to pull himself together. He fucking cries over romantic comedies. What a nerd. Still…it makes you smile. Karkat Vantas, the grumpiest, most offensive marshmallow you’ve ever known. You could do worse for a movie date.

Your thoughts jerk back at that. Date? No, no, no, not a date. Just a couple of friends going to the movies. God people did it all the time, it wasn’t meant in a romantic sense. You shake your head. It wasn’t a romantic thing even if you had gone to a rom com with him. Stupid fucking people jumping to conclusions. Stupid fucking brain presenting these assumptions to you.

Karkat is getting to his feet know and at a glance you wouldn’t think he’d been crying over a shitty rom com. You can still tell though. It makes you grin kind of stupidly. People can think what they want. This was fun and you can tease Karkat about being a huge softie on your way out. You gather up your trash and head out of the theater, Karkat right behind you.

The lobby is bright, but surprisingly still packed especially around the doors. You lift an eyebrow as Karkat grumbles. You move closer and realize why everyone is still clumped inside. It’s _pouring_ outside, not a drizzle, not a sprinkle, a downpour is now taking place. Karkat swears loud enough that a few parents look horrified and shush him. You sincerely doubt he cares.

You sigh. Your hair is going to be ruined and you’re going to have to dry out the interior of your car. Goddammit. Well might as well be a good friend. “Stay here Kar. I’ll go get the car and you can stay fucking dry.”

He gives you the most offended look he can manage. “Wow, your opinion of me is fucking stellar. If you’re running through that shit, I’m running through it. Let’s just go already.”

Before you can protest he grabs your arm and sprints you both out into the rain. He’s swearing even as you run and you’re both getting soaked and you can’t see shit out of your glasses and for some crazy reason you’re laughing. Karkat still has your arm and you’re tripping and slipping and it’s a miracle neither of you have fallen.

Somehow you manage to spot your car just ahead. You go to point it out just as Karkat gives another tug to your arm. Your feet skid out from under you and you grab him trying to steady yourself. He squawks and you both scramble. Amazingly you don’t hit the ground. You do smack right into each other and you grab his shoulders to steady yourself.

You blink at each other and then you start laughing again. Karkat is less amused. “Un-fucking-believable. We will never be dry again. Eridan get your fucking keys and let’s get to the car you goddamn shit for brains.” You keep laughing, slowing down to chuckles, and rest your head on his shoulder. Eventually you catch your breath.

Karkat is patting your back and glaring up at the sky and you’re suddenly struck by how good he looks. You’ll look bedraggled and awful by the time you make it to the car, but the rain makes him look fine. His hair is soaked, but you can still see the wave in it and the water drips off his eyelashes. You can see it, being so close. You are also suddenly aware of how much this scene is out of one of his stupid movies.

The two of you are standing together in the rain, close together after running through rain. The next plausible action is of course to cup his cheek and kiss him. For some stupid reason you actually consider doing it. Of course you _won’t_. Karkat is your friend, why would you kiss him?

Then of course he looks down at you and the water is dripping off his eyelashes and his eyes look so nice and his hair is sticking to his forehead and he’s opening his mouth to say something-

You press your lips to his before you even think about what exactly you’re thinking. You’re cold and soaked and it’s still raining on you, but Karkat is warm and his lips are soft. He makes some kind of noise of surprise and you jerk back.

Oh my God. You just kissed Karkat. You just kissed your good friend who is a boy. You just kissed Karkat and you _liked_ it. _Oh my God_. You step away from him and turn and march to the car without a word. You unlock it and climb in and get it started, blushing fiercely. Oh God why did you do that?

Karkat climbs into the passenger seat and you don’t look at him. Fuck now he’s going to think this was a date all along and you really are gay and fuck fuck fuck. Goddammit. You hear the click of his seatbelt and pull out. The drive back to his house is silent. You spend it trying not to have a fucking panic attack because what the shit were you _thinking_?

By the time you reach his house the rain has lessened. You put the car in park and wait for him to climb out. His seatbelt comes undone and rattles back, but he doesn’t open the door yet. Your hands tighten on the wheel. _Please just leave. Please don’t ask me why I kissed you._

For the first time since you kissed him in the rain, Karkat speaks. “Don’t fucking die driving in this shit now that you have delivered safely back into my family’s bosom.” Then he climbs out and closes the door behind him.

You’re not sure what you wanted him to say. You sure as fuck didn’t want him to ask you why, but you didn’t want some off the cuff statement like that. Fuck you don’t understand yourself anymore and it’s only taken a few hours to make you this week. Fuck it all.

You pull away from the Vantas house without bothering to watch him walk inside. Maybe you just need to dry off and sleep. Maybe if you’re lucky this will all have been a dream and you’ll wake up to find you still need to go to the movies with Karkat.

Though if it’s a dream what does that say about your subconscious desires?

*

The hallway is loud as shit and after sleeping like crap all weekend you’re in an even fouler mood than usual. You’d spent the rest of the weekend after your movie night with Karkat trying to figure out why exactly you had kissed him. And why exactly you kept thinking about doing it again. His lips had been so warm in the rain and surprisingly soft. You’d dreamt about them and then woke up with your stomach twisting.

You weren’t gay. There was nothing wrong with being gay of course. People were attracted to what they were attracted to. You’re just not gay. But straight boys don’t spend their nights dreaming about their best friend’s lips. Straight boys didn’t kiss their best friend in the first place. You’d come to Monday morning no closer to an answer than when you left him at home that night.

So you’re in a foul mood and in no shape to face Karkat and his probable questions, but of course you don’t move away from your locker fast enough. Karkat appears and slams his locker open. You jump and scowl at him for making so much noise, but don’t say anything. To complain would be to invite conversation and that is the last thing you want.

Unfortunately, Karkat is not one to keep his mouth shit for long. “So you didn’t call at all over the weekend. Is that your idea of starting a fucking relationship Ampora?” You flush and glance at him to see him staring at you, arms crossed. He lifts an eyebrow. Nothing in his face shows any kind of disgust and that’s the only reason you hesitate instead of blistering him.

You look back into your locker. “I don’t- I don’t know why I did it. It was spur of the moment and I don’t know why the fuck I did it.” You spit it out fast; hoping he doesn’t scream or worse tell everyone what happened. He’s quiet, but you don’t know what else to say.

“…did you like it?” Karkat asks.

One of your books hits the floor, just missing your foot. “Um,” you say brilliantly. Karkat waits. You’ve never seen him so quiet before. He waits for your answer, foot tapping slowly on the ground. “I…maybe?” Oh wow you did not just admit that. Brilliant move there Ampora, basically just spell out that you’ve dreamt about kissing him again.

Karkat’s second eyebrow joins his first. “Well then. I expect an actual date before you go kissing my poor lips again. I’m no easy tumble Ampora. I expect to be wooed.” He marches away, but not before you see his blush.

You’re left gaping and Fef skips up out of nowhere. “Gooooood morning Eridan! How was your weekend? I bet it was boring if all you did was go out with Karcrab. You missed out on a fun night with me and Nepeta and Aradia and Sollux. I think he would have loved to have another guy there to keep him company with all us giggly girls.” She winks at you. “We’re planning on going to a party this weekend, wanna come?”

You turn back to your locker. You’re blushing, but also smiling. “Sorry Fef. I’d love to, but I’ve got a date.”

“With who?” She demands in what could almost qualify as a shout.

Smiling widely now you close your locker. “Kar. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got class to get too and the most romantic date ever to plan. I’ll see you later.”

You leave her gaping after you. Yeah, you kissed your best friend in the rain and you’re not sure exactly why, but obviously the only way to find an answer is to try it again. For science of course.


End file.
